Hey fellas, there was 50 per cent off Lynx at the supermarket this week. It's a shame you are all not allowed to go out a-courtin'. That's a bargain.
It's just another kick in the guts for a world caught in Covid craziness.
I think there was also a bit shaved off the price of lady razors (these are usually pink and have a strip 'infused' with aloe vera). Fat lot of good that saving is. You can't even bulk buy as you will be accused of stockpiling.
However, you'd have a good defence in Hoarding Court as most adults will be needing about 100 razors each when the time comes to remove weeks of rampant hair growth.
When I get the green light to roam free, my lady razor stash will not only be employed on my legs, a huge number will be needed to shave my head. There is no way I'm setting foot outside with 'isolation hair'.
I haven't cut myself a fringe but, frankly, it wouldn't matter, as the rest of my hair is starting to look like Phil Spector's murder trial wig.
The only thing doing me a fat lot of good is successfully making Nigella's Emergency Brownies. She suggests making these when you are feeling "fragile". They can be knocked out in a jiffy with supplies typically found in a regular home pantry (i.e. not one built and stocked by a doomsday prepper).
It seems my fragility is more brittle than the world's economy, as an Emergency Brownie Situation has been declared every second day in my isolation cell.
To make things less taxing, I've retreated also to the lazy Aussie way of shortening words. I can't be bothered saying "isolation", and have adopted the officially quicker "iso". Quarantine is now "quarry" (e.g. Yeah, nah, Steve managed to get a flight home and he's been in quarry for two weeks).
But, back to Lynx, and other personal grooming products.
It's probably good that everyone is giving the hair and body spritzers a rest. We've all seen shots from space showing how pollution has miraculously cleared over several continents since people have been Keeping Calm and Staying Home.
I'm no scientist, but I'd wager a couple of rolls of Sorbent that most of that pollution had been caused by the liberal use of Lynx, Brut, Final Net hairspray and anything with Pour Homme or Eau de Blah Blah written on the label.
Everyone's put a cork in it.
An Emergency Brownie Situation has been declared every second day in my isolation cell.
Actually, I've become an Ideas Woman since being in iso. I'm toying with the idea of launching a scent when we can all mingle again. I can reveal that the parfum, to be called ISO, will feature base notes of Glen-20 and hand-sanitiser with a lingering top note of freshly-baked goods.
Ultimately, ISO's success will come down to marketing. I envisage an advertising campaign with the slogan ISO: because only you can put the 'one' in 'lonely'.
I plan to go the hard-sell as soon as restrictions are lifted. That will mean getting as much ISO as possible on the shelves of petrol stations. Mark my words, the minute everyone is set loose they'll race to the pumps to get the last few drops of cheap fuel before the price goes through the roof again.
Like Lynx, fuel is at its cheapest when we don't need it.
I'm sniffing a curious pattern.
It might be better to stay in iso. Or, if you can't stomach that, do the next best thing: smell like you are in iso.
Get yourself down to the servo, ISO will be waiting. I guarantee that ISO's price (and smell) will always be cheap. Also, when you exude ISO, people will continue to stay out of your personal space.
Social distancing will be your new normal.
Ahhhh, how's the serenity?
So much serenity.
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